Love and Let Go
My parents have been going through a bunch of health difficulties over the past few years. I guess that’s par for the course as we collectively get older, yet rational thinking doesn’t make it any easier for my emotional self. At times I feel like I’m handling everything pretty sanely (only focused on what I personally can control about the situation), while others I feel like I’m compartmentalizing and just avoiding dealing with life altogether.
I think it just comes down to expectations and … guilt.
My parents have always been very private. I used to believe they were just image-conscious – wanting to project a particular persona. But the longer I sit with it, the more I think they just want to be in control. Sometimes they justify that need for control as, “we don’t need to burden you with that,” or “you have other things you need to be focused on.”
But the truth is: as much as I love my parents, I will never know them as they know each other. I will never be privy to the way their relationship works – who they are to one another or how they make decisions. I will never really understand them. And I don’t need to. They have always presented a unified front in all things parenting-related. This simultaneously adds stability to the family and makes it hard to know what’s going on with either of them individually.
To love someone, do you really have to know them or understand them?
In fact, they rarely communicate the details about anything that may be going on with them — almost to the point of stonewalling. I think Fort Knox may hold fewer secrets.
On the surface, it appears they have maintained a death grip on the original family dynamic with my sister and me: one where even in our 40s, we are still the children and not indeed invited into the inner circle of adult truths.
At one point just a few years ago, my parents actively “managed” me, like expert publicists handle the media. I received phone calls from hospitals with “everything is alright, there is no need to worry” messages. Or “your father had a stroke, but it was very mild.”
I mention all of this not to be mean spirited or dramatic — my parents are amazing people. They just over-index on one or more of the following: in thinking everything is okay, on the importance of making it appear like they are okay, or on the significance of privacy.
Or perhaps they don’t want to worry me.
Or possibly they don’t want me involved.
I honestly can’t ever really decide which it is.
And things genuinely never get resolved because digging for details on any crucial matter just turns up dead ends. Even for me, someone who supposedly went to college to be a reporter (note: I do realize this journal should be much better than it is).
But in recent history, things have reached a point where the assistance of their offspring is needed, and sometimes welcomed, but I still know they would really prefer otherwise.
Even when we are asked for help, my parents (like most independently-minded folks) would prefer to control what kind of support it is and all of the decision making. And that’s not what needs to happen – at least at this moment. It’s time we as children must step in and help manage things for their comfort, safety, and security.
In addition to being about the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, it totally disrupts the family power dynamic.
So, throughout this process, I’ve been reminding myself of something I learned when reading the Untethered Soul— that I must keep my heart open, no matter what. I cannot allow it to become blocked with fear, anger, or resentment. I must continuously flush my heart chakra and lead with love, regardless of what lies ahead for all of us.
That will mean I need to let go of a lot of other things in what will undoubtedly be difficult times ahead, things that are big and scary to me, things that may rock my world. But, as we know, all that really exists is the here and now.
So today, I make a promise to:
Love and let go… of roles.
Love and let go… of expectations.
Love and let go… of guilt.
Love and let go… of always needing to be liked.
Love and let go… of control.
Love and let go… of hurt.
Love and let go… of fear.
Love and let go… of anger.
Love and let go… of the past.
Love and let go… of absolutely everything else until all that I have left is …
Love.
And I won’t ever let go of that.
I have created a few meditations to help release my mind from suffering throughout this process. Here’s a link to one I posted a few weeks ago. To anyone who made it this far, thank you for listening.